S T A T E My Path: How to speak persuasively not abrasively.
3 Talking Points 1 Intro To S T A T E 2 The What Skills: Share Tell Ask 3 The How To Skills: Talk Encourage
Segment One: Intro to acronym S T A T E
Heart needs to be in right place - Pay attention when others feeling unsafe.
-Pg 120: "5 Skills for talking when what we have to asy could esily make others defensive."
-Maintain safety: to speak honest, keep safety - can be done with confidence, humility, skill.
-Have Confidence to say what needs to be, to right person, and believe opinion needs to be shared without brutalizing or causing offense *Confidence does not equate arrogance/stubbornness
-Have Humility: Realize others have valuable points - BE Humble To know you don't have monopoly on truth -Pg 122 "...Opinions provide starting point but not final point." Be willing to change your mind, express opinion, encourage others to do the same.
-Skill: Those willing to share sensitive info are confident using a path with "candor and safety." - Stay in Dialogue despite suspicion - don't violate respect - don't kill safety with threats or accusations
-5 Skills to stay in dialogue: S T A T E - 1 Share your facts 2 Tell your story 3 Ask for others' paths 4 Talk tentatively 5 Encourage testing
Segment Two: The What Skills: S T A
-1 Share your facts: When "drunk on adrenaline" makes it hard to follow "your path of action:(see/hear-tell story-feel-act). Pg125 "When we start with emotions, our stories, adrenaline pumping, it becomes "most controversial less influential and most insulting way to begin."
-Facts: least controversial - provides a safe beginning - Conclusions highly controversial EX. Pg 126, "You can't be trusted. Not Fact and can be disputed." Facts are most persuasive than subjective conclusions and forms foundations of beliefs.
-Don't start with Story - Start with Observation EX Pg 126 Rather than accuse someone of sexual harassment, list facts and observation, "Your eyes move and look at me up and down. You touch my shoulder."
*Goal is not to persuade others we're right - Not To Win - Just want our meaning to get fair hearing.
-When we start with Conclusion, we encourage others to tell Villian Stories about us. EX Pg 127 "They're likely to conclude we're either stupid or evil."
-If you're not sure, before Crucial Talk, Sort Facts from Conclusion.
Pg 127-128 -"Let others see your experience from your point of view, Starting with your facts. Tell it as 'possible story' not as a concrete fact so when you reach conclusion, person will understand better."
-2 Tell Your Story: because without it, Facts serve no useful purpose. "Facts plus the conclusion that call for face-to-face discussion. "-Pg 128
-Takes Confidence to be Honest, doing homework getting facts - When we lack confidence to speak up problems can simmer and we explode with insults.
-Look for safety concerns but be careful not to apologize for your view. - Use Contrasting when you notice safety at risk. EX. acknowledge other person's point of view and present your agreement (Mutual Respect) add your concern, not apology - Goal is not to water down message but to be sure people don't hear more than what you intended.
-3 Ask For Others Path: Key to sharing sensitive ideas: blend Confidence and Humility-Express confidence by Sharing Our Facts - Demonstrate Humility by asking others their views. If Goal is to Learn, be willing to hear others' views - Encourage them EX Pg 131 "then careefully listen to what they have to say...Be willing to abandon or reshape your story as more information pours into Pool of Shared Meaning."
Segment Three: The How Skills: T E
-4 Talk Tentatively EX Pg 134: "I was wondering...Perhaps." -Simply means we share our story as Our Story - Sharing an Opionion, not as Fact
-Share story with Blend of confidence and Humility. EX Pg 132, "Express appropriate confidence in your conclusions while demonstrating that if appropriate you want your conclusions challenged."
-Soften Message: trying to open flow of dialogue - not forcing on people. Facts and Stories help reduce defensiveness making it safe for others with differing opinions.
-Talking Tentatively increases influence but don't be Wimpy which also shuts down dialogue - EX Pg 132 "... the only safe way to share touchy data is to act as if it's not important," share language that it is an opinion, not that you're a "nervous wreck." Find balance "not too hard, not too soft approach."
-5 Encourage Testing: invite others to talk in a way they know they can say anything no matter how controversial.
-Others need to feel safe sharing observation and stories even if different viewpoint
*If they don't speak up, you can't test accuracy and reevauluate your views EX Pg 134, "understand that the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous and encouraging others to challenge it."
-Invite opposing views: If others hesitant make it clear you want to hear others views even if they disagree. Even better, respect them for finding the courage to express thoughts. EX "I'd really like to hear other sides of this story."
-Mean It: invite them to share with words and tone - Play Devils's Advocate: model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view
-Strong Beliefs: when advocating your point of view and starting to push too hard, it moves others to silence. "our story" tells us it's our duty EX Pg 137, "It's what people of character do" - wrongfully justifies our excuse to use "dirty tricks" in dialogue when we believe it's our call to fight.
-Dirty Tricks Examples: stack the deck, attack person, appeal to authority, generalizations, labeling.
-Changing "our story" and Mindset: Notice and back off when trying to convince others
-EX Pg 138 - Start With Heart - Ask "How would I behave if these were the results I really wanted?" - 1 watch for a moment there's resistance - turn from topic, to yourself:(*raised voice, leaning forward, facial expressions, using dirty tricks.) - 2 tone down approach open yourself up to believe others have something to share *they may have key missing piece ask for others views.
-Soften your language when you are positive about something * it's okay to have strong opinion - problems come when we force our ideas, trying to expressing them - emotions can turn ideas into painful thoughts, honest passion kills an argument rather than supports it. - Catch yourself EX Pg 140 "Back off your harsh and conclusive language, not your belief. Hold to your belief;merely soften your approach."
Closing: S T A T E : Share your Facts Tell Your Story Ask for Others' Path Talk Tentaively Encourage Testing.
Comments
Post a Comment