Explore Others' Path: How To Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up Chapter 8 Crucial Conversations Book Discussion

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3 Major Talking Points: 1 How To Listen Introduction 2 AMPP: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime 3 Remember ABCs: Agree, Build, Compare

Segment One: How to listen when others blow up or clam up Introduction

-Cannot force someone to dialogue but can take steps to make it safer

-Reasons people opt for silence or violence, fearful of being vulnerable - Led to believe conversation will lead to bad things

-Restoring safety to get relationship back on track will require steps from Chapter 5 -"Make it Safe." -Step out of conversation and restore it: When you Offend-Apologize, When someone misunderstands-Use Contrast with what you "do" and "don't" intend.

-Find Mutual Purpose with New Skill: "Explore Others' Path" -Letting others know it's okay to share their Path of Action with their Facts and Stories

-Start With Heart-Be Sincere-Be Curious-Stay Curious-Be Patient

-When sincere, invite them to share - Be Curious rather than Furious by getting to source of their fear and discomfort

-Turn off Adrenaline and Look for chances to turn on your curiosity -Stay Curious- When people share their feelings we may be prepared to tell our "3 Clever Stories" (Victim Villian Helpless) in order to understand other person, assigning negative emotions

-Avoid Overracting - Give Brain a problem to focus on by asking "Why would a reasonable person say this?"

-Help Retrace other person's Path To Action until it makes sense.

-Be Patient: Others acting on their feelings through Silence/Violence feeling adrenaline. Pg 145 "Once chemicals that are fueled our emotions are released, they hang around in blood stream for a time...some cases long after thoughts changed." -Be Patient and Encourage them to share their PATH (Chapter 7) Maintaining Curious approach may be difficult because we are entering conversation at end of other person's "Path To Action" when their feelings are telling them how to "act" with either silence or violence.

-"Every sentence has a history"- Be careful not to become defensive - Break the Cycle - by stepping out and encouraging them to move away from feelings toward root cause -Together trace steps: This helps person, curbs our reactions, and returns to place where feelings can be resolved.

-When?: Our job to invite them to share feelings with cues they've given that express they have more to share * IF we don't get to Source of their feelings end up suffering the Effects

-How?: Must be sincere in face of hostility, fear, or abuse -What?: Requires listening in a way makes it safe for others and for them to believe when they share they won't offend or be punished for speaking.

Segment Two: AMPP- Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime "Power Listening Tools to use when others turn to silence or violence."

-Ask: Invite them to express: Pg 140: I'd like to hear your concern. Please let me know if you see it differently."

-Mirror: to confirm feelings to help open up to build safety - Take a portion of their Path To Action - their actual actions and hints about their emotions and start there when their tone voice and gestures don't match what they're saying. Pg150 "Really? From the way you're saying that, it doesn't sound like you are." - We explain while person may say one thing, his tone etc saying something else - We show respect or concern for them - Most Important Element is Tone Pg 150 "We create safety when our tone of voice says we're okay with them feeling the way they're feeling." They may conclude they can confidently talk.

-As we describe what we see, we do so Calmly. "If we act upset, we confirm their suspicion that they need to remain silent: "You look nervous about confronting me. Are you sure you're willing to?"

-Paraphrase: To Acknowledge Their Story. Asking and Mirroring may help get their story out, but Paraphrasing or summing up what person said may build additional safety

-Don't just parrot what they said, but put in your own words Pg 150 "Let's see if I got this right..." - Key is to remain calm - Goal is to make it safe, not act horrified

-Stay focused on figuring their "Path to Action" - Stay Curious - Rephrase in a way it suggest you're trying to understand.

-Avoid pushing too hard to point others may feel you're only prying to get what information you want to conclude that you do not really care about them personally. - Back Off - Pushing too hard violates mutual respect or mutual purpose.

-Pg 151, "Ask what he or she wants to see happen." - Engage Brain in way that moves to problem solving - away from attack or avoidance. May reveal what cause of problem is.

-Prime when you're getting nowhere and when you believe other person still has something to share and might with more effort on your end

-To Prime is to offer your best guess as to what person is thinking or feeling. Pouring meaning into Pool before other person will do the same. Pg 153, "I can see you're upset. Are you thinking that only reason we're doing this is to make money?"

-Only Use Prime if nothing else works- "Priming is an act of good faith in hopes that others will share their meaning."

-IF Others Are Wrong: Understanding does not Equate Agreement

Segment Three: ABCs- Agree, Build, Compare

-When it's your turn to talk but there's disagreement, start in an area of AGREEMENT and focus on points you do agree on. -Don't argue over small details

-BUILD: We are trained to look for errors - In school we learn being right and being first. -Pg 157 "When you do find a minor difference you turn this snack into a meal. Instead of remaining in healthy dialogue, you end up in violent agreement."

-Look for points on agreement rather than "You're Wrong You forgot to mention..." v "Absolutely. In addition I noticed..."

-COMPARE: Rather than suggest person is wrong, offer "We differ." Suggest with a candid "I think I see things differently. Let me discuss how."

-Share your "STATE My Path" from Chapter 7: (Share Tell Ask Talk Encourage)

-Work Together Encourage Explain Compare

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