Everyone Copes: Comparing One Person’s Crisis to Another
During a youth group training seminar I attended years prior, the guest speaker made mention of the need for youth workers to be “Beautifully Angry” about assisting children in our modern society facing crisis. A balance of righteous indignation, love with a fierce passion and sense of urgency in addressing their needs. I also obtained from that training a book specifically designed for helping youth in crisis and the most valuable quote I took from there was, “You cannot compare one person’s crisis to another.” A teen just breaking up from a relationship feels their life is going to end. To us as the adults, we know it’ll be okay, or perhaps some don’t recall having such strong emotions and feelings over a breakup so the feelings of empathy are not there and it may feel that it’s no big deal. It was also advised to listen to the entire story before reacting. You may only have one opportunity to maintain that trust.
I was aware of this thought process of not comparing crisis stories, or questioning how people handled them. I needed, however, to take this a step further in understanding why people in general behaved a certain way. Everyone is coping from something or are in the midst of a trial. Perhaps you’ve heard it said before, unless you’ve gone through it prior, or are currently going through it, don’t tell a person how they should be feeling or how they should be dealing with it. How could one possibly understand something without experiencing it and what do you really know about coping with it if you’ve never lived through it?
One of my life’s goals was to marry and never divorce. I even used it in a job interview answer regarding long term life goals. I was a huge proponent of traditionalism and embracing specific gender roles, encouraging, promoting that lifestyle through social media and my membership in a traditional housewife support group. I discovered through this journey that there are many modern day women who are not fond of traditionalism: stay at home motherhood to raise children and care for spouse and house. That, and my large appetite for faith and the church life made me a bit unfavorable in many people’s perspectives. Faith, Prayer, Bible reading and Church life was promoted. Maybe it was perceived that I was boastful, bragging, too proud or that I did not deserve these things based on the lifestyle I lived prior to getting married.
I’m sure they were wondering how I would feel or cope with my current separation and divorce from my spouse of eight years of marriage. I’m sure they’re wondering how I would handle my eldest son of six children with their father, in near tears telling me their father has a new girlfriend or how I’d manage hearing that they’re now engaged.
Marriage was encouraged and to work out problems no matter what. What can you now say after preaching marriage and going through a divorce? What do you feel now and how do you cope? Is there a magic “Feel Better Formula?” I felt the same about marriage during the process and today still feel the same. The magic formula: Faith, Prayer, Bible reading, Church attendance. I said it before divorce, and I’m using this tactic myself. It has been the greatest blessing.
Much like not comparing one person’s crisis, comparing coping skills is also one to be cautious of. If you do compare, please do so only if their coping habits are destructive causing harm to the individual or others. Be mindful that not everyone will respond the way you think they should. With that being said, one of my strangest coping skills or responses has been the inability to wear color. Black, white and gray is all I can wear. Wearing color does not register in my brain. Something in me cannot stand to see it. I smile, socialize, participate in society, but have not worn color in nearly two years. In my early 20s, coping skills consisted of drinking, self harm, and recreational serial dating. As I’ve matured over the years, the response has been Faith, Prayer, Bible reading, Church attendance, with health and nutrition, and oddly wearing black and white.
As I reach the near end of this painful and stressful journey, I have taken note of how others I have interacted with, hearing their stories etc, cope and have come to a deeper and more meaningful understanding as to why people may act or respond to specific life circumstances the way they do or behave in general. I can understand more why so many are opposed to traditional gender roles. I’ve met mothers who have taken off on gambling binges after hearing disturbing news regarding their children, or another who admitted to being an angry drunk for years as their coping mechanism. Some smile in public but later reveal their massive spending or hoarding problems. Many suffer quietly in silence. And there are others who have faith and prayer.
Just recently an older gentleman during a church event expressed that he overheard his wife and another young woman talking about my current situation. He offered a simple, “Worse things could happen.” For the most part, that truth and reality keeps me humbled, grounded and functioning, knowing “worse things could happen.” The other part says, “You only know how you feel and it hurts, and that’s your reality.” Being naturally overly empathic, it just adds a layer of pain knowing how much hurt does go around.
I’ve learned to be more mindful, remembering that everyone copes in their own way and not to compare one crisis story to another. I do not know what the new year will bring or if my interest in wearing color will return or not, but I will most certainly be remaining “Beautifully Angry” with Faith, Prayer, Bible reading, and Church attendance.
During a youth group training seminar I attended years prior, the guest speaker made mention of the need for youth workers to be “Beautifully Angry” about assisting children in our modern society facing crisis. A balance of righteous indignation, love with a fierce passion and sense of urgency in addressing their needs. I also obtained from that training a book specifically designed for helping youth in crisis and the most valuable quote I took from there was, “You cannot compare one person’s crisis to another.” A teen just breaking up from a relationship feels their life is going to end. To us as the adults, we know it’ll be okay, or perhaps some don’t recall having such strong emotions and feelings over a breakup so the feelings of empathy are not there and it may feel that it’s no big deal. It was also advised to listen to the entire story before reacting. You may only have one opportunity to maintain that trust.
I was aware of this thought process of not comparing crisis stories, or questioning how people handled them. I needed, however, to take this a step further in understanding why people in general behaved a certain way. Everyone is coping from something or are in the midst of a trial. Perhaps you’ve heard it said before, unless you’ve gone through it prior, or are currently going through it, don’t tell a person how they should be feeling or how they should be dealing with it. How could one possibly understand something without experiencing it and what do you really know about coping with it if you’ve never lived through it?
One of my life’s goals was to marry and never divorce. I even used it in a job interview answer regarding long term life goals. I was a huge proponent of traditionalism and embracing specific gender roles, encouraging, promoting that lifestyle through social media and my membership in a traditional housewife support group. I discovered through this journey that there are many modern day women who are not fond of traditionalism: stay at home motherhood to raise children and care for spouse and house. That, and my large appetite for faith and the church life made me a bit unfavorable in many people’s perspectives. Faith, Prayer, Bible reading and Church life was promoted. Maybe it was perceived that I was boastful, bragging, too proud or that I did not deserve these things based on the lifestyle I lived prior to getting married.
I’m sure they were wondering how I would feel or cope with my current separation and divorce from my spouse of eight years of marriage. I’m sure they’re wondering how I would handle my eldest son of six children with their father, in near tears telling me their father has a new girlfriend or how I’d manage hearing that they’re now engaged.
Marriage was encouraged and to work out problems no matter what. What can you now say after preaching marriage and going through a divorce? What do you feel now and how do you cope? Is there a magic “Feel Better Formula?” I felt the same about marriage during the process and today still feel the same. The magic formula: Faith, Prayer, Bible reading, Church attendance. I said it before divorce, and I’m using this tactic myself. It has been the greatest blessing.
Much like not comparing one person’s crisis, comparing coping skills is also one to be cautious of. If you do compare, please do so only if their coping habits are destructive causing harm to the individual or others. Be mindful that not everyone will respond the way you think they should. With that being said, one of my strangest coping skills or responses has been the inability to wear color. Black, white and gray is all I can wear. Wearing color does not register in my brain. Something in me cannot stand to see it. I smile, socialize, participate in society, but have not worn color in nearly two years. In my early 20s, coping skills consisted of drinking, self harm, and recreational serial dating. As I’ve matured over the years, the response has been Faith, Prayer, Bible reading, Church attendance, with health and nutrition, and oddly wearing black and white.
As I reach the near end of this painful and stressful journey, I have taken note of how others I have interacted with, hearing their stories etc, cope and have come to a deeper and more meaningful understanding as to why people may act or respond to specific life circumstances the way they do or behave in general. I can understand more why so many are opposed to traditional gender roles. I’ve met mothers who have taken off on gambling binges after hearing disturbing news regarding their children, or another who admitted to being an angry drunk for years as their coping mechanism. Some smile in public but later reveal their massive spending or hoarding problems. Many suffer quietly in silence. And there are others who have faith and prayer.
Just recently an older gentleman during a church event expressed that he overheard his wife and another young woman talking about my current situation. He offered a simple, “Worse things could happen.” For the most part, that truth and reality keeps me humbled, grounded and functioning, knowing “worse things could happen.” The other part says, “You only know how you feel and it hurts, and that’s your reality.” Being naturally overly empathic, it just adds a layer of pain knowing how much hurt does go around.
I’ve learned to be more mindful, remembering that everyone copes in their own way and not to compare one crisis story to another. I do not know what the new year will bring or if my interest in wearing color will return or not, but I will most certainly be remaining “Beautifully Angry” with Faith, Prayer, Bible reading, and Church attendance.
Comments
Post a Comment